I'm about to talk about something I need to get off my chest. Now, as depressed or whatever I sound, I am not looking for sympathy. I just need to talk about this somewhere, and this seemed the best place. Anyway...
Also - Heidi, I'm not sure you really will want to read this...I mean, I'd like you too, but you should probably at least wait until after you get back from Vancouver.
There is this girl I know...I've known her for about four years now. She's the most beautiful creature I have ever met, and probably ever will meet. She's everything I've ever wanted in a person and for the last about three and a half years I was able to share my life with her. Everytime I looked into her eyes I saw "Heaven", whenever I was apart from her it was "Hell". I would feel so perfect and comfortable just holding her in my arms. I loved her with all that I am, and I still do. She was everything to me. Then...I began working alot, and spending alot of time away from her. In my quest to make money to be with her, I ended up neglecting her and making her feel unwanted.. I failed to show her just how much she ment to me, and how much I loved her. Then, one day while I was at work, I realized this, and what I was doing and how much I was screwing up and hurting her. Even though I told myself it was all the best, and it would all work out in the end, I was causing more damage then doing any good. I ended up getting the money I wanted, but on the day I realized this, I came home to tell her...but...she also had something she wanted to say. She called off our relationship. I can understand her reasoning and all that, but it doesn't make this any less painful.
I've spent almost every night awake, thinking of her and the great part of me I lost when she went away. Either that or when I do sleep, I have dreams of her. I still think about her everyday, and think about what we once had. I guess thinking about it isn't the correct term, remembering it is the better way to word it I presume. It's all just really hard to take in.. I love her too much to just forget or hide away my feelings for her, but I feel as though I have to. She's trying to move on with her life and find someone else, and everytime we talk we end up in the same place of me telling her about how I feel about all this, and I can just tell by her tone of voice, or expression on her face that it's hard for her to listen. Don't get me wrong though, I really do enjoy the fact that we still talk and all, I'm happy that we're still friends and that she hasn't just thrown me away completley. I know that she still has feelings for me, and still loves me in return, but she's trying so hard to not let them out, to lock them away inside to make this all easier on the both of us I guess. Every now and then I'll say something and I'll hear her murmer to herself that "It's for the best". I can understand how she feels that way...but if it's all for the best...then...why does it feel so wrong? Why does it hurt so damn much?
I still have so much love for her, and care about her so much...and seeing her in someone elses arms, or having such a great time with someone else, then see me and her smile turns to a frown is so fucking painful. I miss when I was able to make her smile. I miss when I made her happy. I truely want to see her happy again...and I would love it if I was the one that was able to make her happy, but, I'm big enough to realize that it probably won't be me. I'm big enough to realize that when she is finally able to tell me that she's truley happy again that she will be telling me from within the arms of someone else. I know I fucked up, and that I had this all coming to me, but it still feels like it's all some bad dream that I'm going to wake up from. It all just feels so wrong. She was the person that I wanted to share the rest of my life with, and here I am watching her try to find herself someone else to find that feeling with. I wish there was something I could do to prove that I'm worth another shot with, no...that's wrong. That WE'RE worth another shot..but I know that she doesn't feel that way, that she feels that all she'll get out of being with me again is pain. I can respect her feelings...even though I don't believe them. I'm making a change with my life, trying to become a better person, trying to become the man I need to be. I only wish she could be around to see that. I just wish I knew how she felt about all of this, but anytime I ask she'll begin to say something, then trail off, say "It's all for the best, Heidi" then say she doesn't want to talk about it and change the subject. That doesn't mean I'm saying that she doesn't talk about it at all..because she'll listen to what I have to say about it, or how I feel about it, but she won't talk about how she feels about it. I know that I have so much to prove to her, so much to make up for. I know that I caused her to cry too many times, that I caused her to hurt so much...I just wish she would allow me the opportunity again to take it all away, to show her what she truely means to me, to show her how much I love her. Then, there's the thing...why did I screw up in the first place? Why did it take me so long to realize what I was doing? I don't know...but I know that it has something to do with the fact that I was working so much so that I could get the money for us to be together, but now that I have the money... I don't have the person I wanted to use it on...
I know that she's trying to move on with her life. I know that she probably wishes I would do the same...I'm...I'm just not ready to let go of my feelings yet. I'm not ready to give it all up yet. As much as I wish we could be together, I want to see her happy even more. I want her to find someone that will make her feel loved, make her feel wanted, make her feel like the queen of the world. I hope she can find someone she wants to share the rest of her life with, someone who will always hold her and let her know just how important she is and how much she means. I hope she finds someone that will give her the world and a platter because she deserves nothing less. I hope she can find someone that will never betray her love. Knowing what I know now, I could be that person. I know I could, but I also know she doesn't feel that way. I know that I'm a risk she really doesn't want to take again. I hope I'm a big enough person to accept that...eventually anyway, because I don't accept that now. If it is really all for the best, why does she keep having to tell herself that? I guess, though, that's because she does still have feelings for me, and she just has to tell herself that to help her avoid doing something she'll regret.. As long as she can find true happiness, and have no regrets, I will be happy for her. I hope one day I can find that again..I wish with all my heart it could be with her, but with each passing day, I realize more and more that it probably won't be, and that fucking rips me apart. But I will manage. I bounce back from things. She's not something I want to bounce back from, but I don't know how much longer I can feel this way...:/ I know that it's not my place to feel jelous about the people she's meeting, or the people she has dates with. It's not really jelousy, it's more along the lines of I remember what we once had, then realize that I no longer have it, and it rips another piece of me away.
-sigh- I'm running around in circles here, I know, but I need to get this said...I can't keep it locked inside. I just love her so much, and have so much more to offer. All I hope for is the opportunity to one day prove that to her. Yet...as long as she can find happiness, even if it's not with me, as painful as it will be for me to take, I will be happy for her and support her in anyway I can. I still fall asleep to thoughts of her, I still wake up to thoughts of her. I still find serentiy when I hear her voice. I still find perfection when I look into her eyes. And I still find hell when I'm without her. I wish I had her strengh through all of this. She seems so well together, like she understand everything that's going on and where she wants it to go. I wish I could be like that.. I wish I could just ignore my feelings through all of this like she is. Not let any of this get to me. I just feel so weak right now, although I guess that's to be expected.
----To Heidi, if and when you read this. Hopefully it atleast won't be until you get back from your vacation with Lee.----
Heidi, I love you, and I'm sorry for all that I've caused you. I hope one day you can find complete hapiness again. I hope you find the person to share the rest of your life with. To the person that you find that gives you this: If you ever betray her love, betray her feelings, betray the beauty that is Heidi...I will hunt you down, and you will have to answer to the hell I will unleash upon you. Do not fuck up like I did. Make sure you tell her what she means, make sure you tell her how much you love her. Make sure you tell her stories when she asks to be told a story, because being with her is the greatest thing in the world, and losing her is complete hell. Offer her the world, because she deserves nothing less.
Thank you for listening to me rant, and forgive any typos I may have made...it is a bit of an emotional topic, so It's to be expected that a few are made. I wish you all a good night. Thank you again.