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some new pictures [26 Jun 2005|11:25pm]
Yo, I figured since I havn't posted in a long time, that I'd post some pictures so anyone whom reads this can see how I look now. Fuckin hell...I leave for Cali in less then 48 hours @_@. At least I'll only be there for a week, I couldn't stand that heat for much longer ><.

Anyway, here be them pic's, enjoy:






Sorry that they are just links, but I couldn't get the tags to work :(
10 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

my story [24 Jun 2005|10:38pm]
I'm about to talk about something I need to get off my chest. Now, as depressed or whatever I sound, I am not looking for sympathy. I just need to talk about this somewhere, and this seemed the best place. Anyway...
Also - Heidi, I'm not sure you really will want to read this...I mean, I'd like you too, but you should probably at least wait until after you get back from Vancouver.

There is this girl I know...I've known her for about four years now. She's the most beautiful creature I have ever met, and probably ever will meet. She's everything I've ever wanted in a person and for the last about three and a half years I was able to share my life with her. Everytime I looked into her eyes I saw "Heaven", whenever I was apart from her it was "Hell". I would feel so perfect and comfortable just holding her in my arms. I loved her with all that I am, and I still do. She was everything to me. Then...I began working alot, and spending alot of time away from her. In my quest to make money to be with her, I ended up neglecting her and making her feel unwanted.. I failed to show her just how much she ment to me, and how much I loved her. Then, one day while I was at work, I realized this, and what I was doing and how much I was screwing up and hurting her. Even though I told myself it was all the best, and it would all work out in the end, I was causing more damage then doing any good. I ended up getting the money I wanted, but on the day I realized this, I came home to tell her...but...she also had something she wanted to say. She called off our relationship. I can understand her reasoning and all that, but it doesn't make this any less painful.

I've spent almost every night awake, thinking of her and the great part of me I lost when she went away. Either that or when I do sleep, I have dreams of her. I still think about her everyday, and think about what we once had. I guess thinking about it isn't the correct term, remembering it is the better way to word it I presume. It's all just really hard to take in.. I love her too much to just forget or hide away my feelings for her, but I feel as though I have to. She's trying to move on with her life and find someone else, and everytime we talk we end up in the same place of me telling her about how I feel about all this, and I can just tell by her tone of voice, or expression on her face that it's hard for her to listen. Don't get me wrong though, I really do enjoy the fact that we still talk and all, I'm happy that we're still friends and that she hasn't just thrown me away completley. I know that she still has feelings for me, and still loves me in return, but she's trying so hard to not let them out, to lock them away inside to make this all easier on the both of us I guess. Every now and then I'll say something and I'll hear her murmer to herself that "It's for the best". I can understand how she feels that way...but if it's all for the best...then...why does it feel so wrong? Why does it hurt so damn much?

I still have so much love for her, and care about her so much...and seeing her in someone elses arms, or having such a great time with someone else, then see me and her smile turns to a frown is so fucking painful. I miss when I was able to make her smile. I miss when I made her happy. I truely want to see her happy again...and I would love it if I was the one that was able to make her happy, but, I'm big enough to realize that it probably won't be me. I'm big enough to realize that when she is finally able to tell me that she's truley happy again that she will be telling me from within the arms of someone else. I know I fucked up, and that I had this all coming to me, but it still feels like it's all some bad dream that I'm going to wake up from. It all just feels so wrong. She was the person that I wanted to share the rest of my life with, and here I am watching her try to find herself someone else to find that feeling with. I wish there was something I could do to prove that I'm worth another shot with, no...that's wrong. That WE'RE worth another shot..but I know that she doesn't feel that way, that she feels that all she'll get out of being with me again is pain. I can respect her feelings...even though I don't believe them. I'm making a change with my life, trying to become a better person, trying to become the man I need to be. I only wish she could be around to see that. I just wish I knew how she felt about all of this, but anytime I ask she'll begin to say something, then trail off, say "It's all for the best, Heidi" then say she doesn't want to talk about it and change the subject. That doesn't mean I'm saying that she doesn't talk about it at all..because she'll listen to what I have to say about it, or how I feel about it, but she won't talk about how she feels about it. I know that I have so much to prove to her, so much to make up for. I know that I caused her to cry too many times, that I caused her to hurt so much...I just wish she would allow me the opportunity again to take it all away, to show her what she truely means to me, to show her how much I love her. Then, there's the thing...why did I screw up in the first place? Why did it take me so long to realize what I was doing? I don't know...but I know that it has something to do with the fact that I was working so much so that I could get the money for us to be together, but now that I have the money... I don't have the person I wanted to use it on...

I know that she's trying to move on with her life. I know that she probably wishes I would do the same...I'm...I'm just not ready to let go of my feelings yet. I'm not ready to give it all up yet. As much as I wish we could be together, I want to see her happy even more. I want her to find someone that will make her feel loved, make her feel wanted, make her feel like the queen of the world. I hope she can find someone she wants to share the rest of her life with, someone who will always hold her and let her know just how important she is and how much she means. I hope she finds someone that will give her the world and a platter because she deserves nothing less. I hope she can find someone that will never betray her love. Knowing what I know now, I could be that person. I know I could, but I also know she doesn't feel that way. I know that I'm a risk she really doesn't want to take again. I hope I'm a big enough person to accept that...eventually anyway, because I don't accept that now. If it is really all for the best, why does she keep having to tell herself that? I guess, though, that's because she does still have feelings for me, and she just has to tell herself that to help her avoid doing something she'll regret.. As long as she can find true happiness, and have no regrets, I will be happy for her. I hope one day I can find that again..I wish with all my heart it could be with her, but with each passing day, I realize more and more that it probably won't be, and that fucking rips me apart. But I will manage. I bounce back from things. She's not something I want to bounce back from, but I don't know how much longer I can feel this way...:/ I know that it's not my place to feel jelous about the people she's meeting, or the people she has dates with. It's not really jelousy, it's more along the lines of I remember what we once had, then realize that I no longer have it, and it rips another piece of me away.

-sigh- I'm running around in circles here, I know, but I need to get this said...I can't keep it locked inside. I just love her so much, and have so much more to offer. All I hope for is the opportunity to one day prove that to her. Yet...as long as she can find happiness, even if it's not with me, as painful as it will be for me to take, I will be happy for her and support her in anyway I can. I still fall asleep to thoughts of her, I still wake up to thoughts of her. I still find serentiy when I hear her voice. I still find perfection when I look into her eyes. And I still find hell when I'm without her. I wish I had her strengh through all of this. She seems so well together, like she understand everything that's going on and where she wants it to go. I wish I could be like that.. I wish I could just ignore my feelings through all of this like she is. Not let any of this get to me. I just feel so weak right now, although I guess that's to be expected.

----To Heidi, if and when you read this. Hopefully it atleast won't be until you get back from your vacation with Lee.----
Heidi, I love you, and I'm sorry for all that I've caused you. I hope one day you can find complete hapiness again. I hope you find the person to share the rest of your life with. To the person that you find that gives you this: If you ever betray her love, betray her feelings, betray the beauty that is Heidi...I will hunt you down, and you will have to answer to the hell I will unleash upon you. Do not fuck up like I did. Make sure you tell her what she means, make sure you tell her how much you love her. Make sure you tell her stories when she asks to be told a story, because being with her is the greatest thing in the world, and losing her is complete hell. Offer her the world, because she deserves nothing less.

Thank you for listening to me rant, and forgive any typos I may have made...it is a bit of an emotional topic, so It's to be expected that a few are made. I wish you all a good night. Thank you again.
3 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

its not just a hunch anymore [29 Aug 2004|06:28pm]
*is chibi* Heeheeehee I knew Sean and Ben are queer together. I JUST KNEW IT

Your LJ Pirate Quest by rachelthedemon
Favorite Color
Your First Mateirishmom
Your Cabin Boy/Girlsmilinzombie
Your Bodyguardglitterlover69
The Bad Guy/Girladaina
Your Obligatory Love Interestpenguin_god
The Fanservicey Onegirl13chigusa
Your Coveted TreasureGold...Lots and lots of gold
Number of people you kill to get it39,607
Number of times you get laid afterward379
Quiz created with MemeGen!
5 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

hmm [28 Jan 2004|09:43pm]
[ mood | Colder then hell. ]

Well, I'm feeling a little better, depression wise. It's passed whish is a good thing. However, winter sucks...just thought I'd share. We've gotten over 12inches of snow in the past 36 hours. Gah. I can't even go anywhere. I went to leave my house today, and my car got stuck in the middle of the driveway....fortunatley I got it out...five hours later, but I got it out. I havn't talked to Heidi in a few days, and I blame work. I'm off for a couple days, then it's back to work...the joy. Well, I would post what I've done today...but I didn't do anything, save from watching television and drinking pop, and sleeping. -shrugs- Oh well, maybe tomorrow will be more eventful.

4 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

Bah [26 Jan 2004|12:40am]
[ mood | discontent ]

Hmm, I've been kind of fucked up latley, working all the time and the such.. Been blacking out frequently for about the last week too. I'm pretty sure I know the cause of that though... Been oddly depressed the past couple days too...I have no idea what brought that about, it just happend. Hasn't happend in a long time either, so, I wonder what brought this about. I have a feeling that my relationship with my girlfriend is falling apart...which scares me emensly... We just don't talk anymore...and that probably my fault, as I'm never really home, and when I am, shes usually sleeping. And when we do talk...there's no conversation...I mean, there's words said...but no meaningful conversations like there used to be. We used to talk for hours on end, now I feel lucky if we have a good conversation once a month... Before it was like, falling in love with her all over again everday, and now it seems as though she's had too much of me and wants to get away. I think about her all the time, every thing seems to remind me of her, even the littlest things will get me thinking about her. She's still the most beautiful person I know, and I'm still deeply in love with her, but when I start thinking, I begin thinking if she still feels that way about me, or if she's traded in those feeling for me, in for someone else... Even if it's not falling apart, it's alot weaker then it used to be, and I wish that it would go back to being like it was. I feel as though I'm losing the most important person in my life, and I don't think I can take it.... I don't know...I just don't get the same vibes from her I used to... So, how many of you that actually read this, think I'm just feeling sorry for myself?

On a higher note I got a new tattoo...well, about one third of one anyway...it's not done yet, still needs the rest of the outline and all the colour, but the majority of the outline is done, and that alone took three hours.. Well, that's enough for today...

I'll be your shadow

Mah [16 Jan 2004|01:36am]
Well, here's a bull shit post, in the sence as it won't have alot of information in it to give to all of you, but rather to get information from some of you about me, stollen from my girlfriends journal chibsi, who stole it from her twins journal smilinzombie.
[/chibi edit]

And here it is, eh:

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I lovable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?
7 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

Fuckin' eh... [09 Dec 2003|11:51pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Well, long time no post...I blame work. I'm working non-stop....especially today...I went in at 10:30am...was only supposed to help with stock until around 1ish maybe...then leave....but no...Half the people that were scheduled didn't fucking show up...and I was there until almost 5pm x.x...and before that..I worked almost the three previous nights...missed my girlfriends and my anniversary...again...fucking eh...as long as I'm able to see her on her birthday and for out two year...then it's all good. Well...at least the new phone I got finally fucking works...so I should be able to call her when I get the chance.... I don't want to work tomorrow....I don't want to get up at 6am to be at work for an 8am meeting....I don't want to work until 10:30pm after the meeting...I want to stay home...and talk to my baby... Hopefully soon x.x...hopefully soon....O_O speak of the devil...she just signed on...so I leave you all now...farewell.

I'll be your shadow

bah [11 Nov 2003|10:12pm]
Well, nothing much is going on. Work, work and more work. A friend and I are currently looking for an aparment, that's about it. Luckily the one we have has internet [high speed at that] access. For a computer and online capabilites for our playstations. Found a nice one, two bedrooms for about 537$ a month, which is pretty damn cheap here. So, we'll see.
6 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

friendly neighbourhood chibs [11 Nov 2003|08:20pm]
[ mood | peppy ]

I'm a loser and I don't post for two months at a time. Hyuck. I'M A LAZY BUTT MUNCHING LOOOOOOOSER LOOOOOSER LOOOOOOOOOSER.

I'm with loser <-----

6 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

Wow, I rememberd....Be proud dammit! [12 Sep 2003|11:36pm]
Yup, here I am, posting again! It hasn't even been a month since myst last post, be proud of me people, dammit! Anyway, not much to say really, awaiting the release of APC's new cd and the theatrical release of Underworld, which I get to see for free!! I don't have to work until 3pm tomorrow, I'm happy...of course I work till 11pm, but it's all good. I lead a boring life..I didn't do much of anything today really..worked...threw around a football with a friend for like ten minutes, babysat my little brother, then came home, got online, and posted! Well, thats my story and you're sticking to it! I am the weakest link, hello!
5 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

moo [09 Sep 2003|10:18pm]
[ mood | tired ]

alright, been a long while, so i'll update. Anyway..I picked up Soul Calibur two the other day, and i must say that i am greatly impressed. I loved the style of the first one, though it was one of the best fighting games to date. That was until i played the second one. It has the same fighting style, with quicker reaction time, much better gameplay, more indeapth story line, and a much better story mode. You're able to choose from a selection of different weapons that you can purchase and or find in the story mode, along with buying and finding other options and characters. It's a really well done game. Other then that i've been really busy with my jobs and the such. I have my first day off in two weeks tomorrow, and i'm happy. I'll finally be able to clean my room and do my laundry @_@;. Well, i'll say this once again, that i'll attempt to update and post more often if time permits, but for now, i am out, peace.

I'll be your shadow

you say it's your birthday? [03 Sep 2003|07:11pm]
Well IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOOO. *is chibi cause Sean will never post cause he's lazy and stuff*

2 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

bah [07 Aug 2003|12:15am]
[ mood | awake ]

Sorry i havn't posted latley, been busy with band stuff and such. Got my new amp, 200watt rouge with built in overdrive and the such. tis cool. anyway, nothing much else has been up, just chillin and lookin for work and stuff. anyway, i'm done, goodbye.

7 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

yay [27 Jul 2003|02:37am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Well, new layout, thanks to chibi_goth. Thank you baby! i like it, anyway, thats all i have to say for now, peace

8 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

dammit [07 Jun 2003|09:21pm]
[ mood | dorky ]

i've been kinda busy lately, so not posting much, but anyway, been running around alot, and thats about it, i miss heidi, and hopefully get to talk to her sometime tonite. i got Final Fantasy Origins...damn that games come a long way, i had totally forgot how plain it was back then, it's been so long sence i've played one or two, it's good though, any FF fan should get it, if you're able to see past the nes and SNES graphics for it

30 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

monkey sex [27 May 2003|01:02am]
[ mood | amused ]

hey all, i havn't been up to too much, just chilling, playing my guitar, talking to heidi, thats about it. Desinging tattoo's for a couple of people i know, working on getting another job..thats about it x.x, boring life i lead really...oh..i've been playing video games, and watching Rah Xephon again, thats the jist of it, peace

2 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

hmm [18 May 2003|10:49pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

http://www.geocities.com/voiceoftheapocolypse/Epatath.jpg <--it's a picture a friend made on photoshop, dipicting my journals muahaha...so here's a link to it, go check it out

2 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

gah [18 May 2003|09:51pm]
[ mood | amused ]

i spent all day moving shit around...moved my mothers couch to my house, my cough down to my room, then rearanged my room...and got my aunts couch from her house to my mothers house...and i'm sore..and kinda tired, but eh, it's all good, i got free chinese food out of it so muahaha. Anyway, bah, all i gotta say, peace out mother fuckers

1 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

new layout [18 May 2003|02:34am]
well new lay out, as you can see, and i have bioretsu and chibi_goth to thank for it! it looks good i think, thanks guys! for the icons and teaching me how to actually use this shit! night y'all
I'll be your shadow

new layout [18 May 2003|02:30am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

well, i have a new layout, and i have bioretsu and chibi_goth to thank for it, they helped me out, and i think the result is pretty good, thank guys! any way, off to call my baby now! peace out

1 veiled their eyes __ I'll be your shadow

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